Counting the Days
by Darke-Faerie
Summary: Chuuya slowly coming to terms with Dazai's death (or does he?) This is a dark fic, please see note for warnings. A sequel of sorts to Counting the Scars.


**WARNING – **There is self harm, mentions of past self harm, lots of scars, depression, feelings of grief, attempted suicide and a character death. Do not read unless you are in place where these will not affect you.

_Hello! So, this ended up very, very dark and is a sequel of sorts to my fic Counting the Scars Set as teenage Mafia. This starts the day after the last fic ends. I guess you could read this without it, but as the fic progresses Chuuya starts to mirror some of Dazai's behaviour from that fic. _

_I've used the 5 stages of grief (slightly out of order) as a base for Chuuya's first year after Dazai killed himself. Chuuya is composing the letters in his mind, as if he's talking to an imaginary Dazai. I've added the time frame to each heading cos I kept forgetting how many weeks/months the days were equal too. _

Dear Dazai.

It has been one day since we said goodbye, well, I said goodbye, you led there in a pool of your own blood.

Looking at your lifeless corpse I never realised how beautiful you were under those bandages. I just wish you would have talked to me.

Mori forced me to attend a therapy session with him, I can see why you hated it. He filled me in on what your parents did. I wish you had told me, I could've helped you.

He talked to me about the five stages of grief – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

Pfft like I care about you enough to mourn you.

p.s I'm not opening that damn letter you left me.

**Stage one – Denial ****(Seven days – 5 weeks)**

Dear Dazai,

It has been seven days since you left. We held your wake and funeral today. Almost the entire mafia turned up, singing your praises.

I may lie.

You took the cowards way out.

It was just me, Mori, Kouyou and the remaining executives.

If you had died on a mission, I bet this would be easier.

A wanted Mafia man, you don't even have grave for me to vandalise.

I went on my first mission since you left today. Kouyou tagged along.

Our target nearly stabbed me because you left your post, you said you'd always have my back. I tried to bring you out by activating corruption.

Who knew Kouyou could punch that hard?

It's been twenty-two days and Mori still won't let me see you, you sit in his office too high for me to reach.

I swiped a bottle of his finest Whiskey instead. Maybe you'll come out to play and share it with me.

My head still hurts from Kouyou's punch.

**Stage Two – Bargaining ****(6 weeks – 3 and a bit months)**

Dear Dazai,

It has been 48 days since you left. I mean since you died.

I worked through all of your Whiskey, and the Wine.

It's helped me to realise you were suffering, like I am.

Every morning.

When my bed is empty, and my head aches from the bottle I drank the night before.

It's been 92 days since you left.

I guess you're having fun wherever you've gone?

Kouyou trusts me not to unleash corruption on missions anymore, so I guess that's good?

Your letter sits on my desk and taunts me.

Dear Dazai,

100 whole days have passed.

I'm going to the West for the next few months. The mission will be tough.

We won't have time to talk.

I guess the escape will do me good?

You better be waiting for me when I return.

**Stage 3 – Anger (****6 months) **

Dear Shitty Dazai.

You weren't waiting for me when I returned, 83 days out of the country and you couldn't even come back in time for me?

I went to a local gay bar, Mafia protected so they had no problem letting in someone so young.

I danced. I drank.

I saw you.

I punched you.

With all my power.

I'm glad I'm a sloppy drunk.

Mori told me the man would survive. I'm so used to your ability nullifying most of my strength, it was almost too much for a regular person.

You're still a jerk Dazai. It's been 190 days.

Do you know what today is?

I'll give you a clue, I'm sat on the docks.

Where we'd always go after missions if we weren't too injured.

It's midnight.

Give up?

It's our one-year anniversary.

You kissed me.

I was that shocked. I fell into the docks, taking you with me.

Mori just shook his head when we turned up at headquarters soaked through.

We helped each other shower.

Had sex for the first time.

Helpful really, a night of firsts, makes it easier to remember our anniversary. I brought a bottle of your favourite Whiskey, my favourite Wine.

And your letter.

Apparently punching a guy who looks like your only love is cause for concern.

Mori told me it was time. That it would help me move on. I told him I had, that I'd gotten over you long ago.

Let's get this over with

_Dear Chuuya, _

_If my prediction is correct you are reading this on what would have been our first anniversary. Sat on the docks where we shared our first kiss. A bottle of Whiskey and a bottle of Wine by your side. You've already drank all the good stuff trying to come to terms with my death, maybe punched a guy you thought was me. _

Really Dazai?

If you could predict what happened, why did you leave?

_I'm sorry but I had to do this Chuuya, a Dazai always finishes what was started, I'm assuming Mori has filled you in on what my parents did, so I'll focus on us._

_The selfish part of me wishes we could have gone out together, maybe on a mission so I wouldn't feel guilty for dragging you down with me._

_Or maybe you were hurting as much me and we could have gone out in a glorious double suicide. _

_You always told me how much you loved me._

_I never said it enough_

_I love you, I love your personality, your body, the way we worked in perfect sync. On my darkest days thinking about us having a happy life would bring me back for a few minutes. I hope you can have that happy life _

_Chuuya. _

_Don't blame yourself for my death Chibi, it was inevitable whether you had been in my life or not. The darkness and pain had this way of overpowering me, a blade the only way I could numb it. My parents' words started haunting me, almost daily during those last two months. _

Is that why you were so reckless those last two months Dazai?

Why you showered me in love those last few days?

Why couldn't you live for me Dazai?

I should crumple up and throw away this sorry excuse for an explanation.

You're not the only one who lives with darkness and pain Dazai, but I don't need to numb it with a blade.

Just with alcohol

And fighting

_The time we had together was the happiest of my short life. Live your life for me Chuuya. _

_I'll be waiting for you in the afterlife. x_

But I'm in the land of the living Dazai.

Urgh your Whiskey tastes terrible with my Wine.

I knew you'd ruin our anniversary.

**Stage 4 – Depression (Month seven - day 351)**

Dear Dazai,

It has been two hundred and thirteen days since you left.

I found your knife.

Its presence is comforting.

Like I have part of you with me.

It helps me sleep.

Once I've downed the bottle of Vodka.

I cuddle the wrapped knife till I fall into a numb sleep.

I nearly visited you tonight Dazai.

Your knife is too comfortable in my hand.

Three hundred days, 9 whole months since you left Dazai.

I can see why you cut yourself now.

None of that waiting that comes with alcohol.

The numbness is instant.

Perfect.

Dear Dazai.

I screwed up and it only took me a month.

Did you feel this bad, the first time someone found your scars?

I've never felt guilt this bad, and I've done some pretty fucked up things.

You think I would have learnt by now that liquor and knives don't mix. I didn't clean the blade well enough and got an infection on my leg.

Don't worry he doesn't know I used your knife.

I got banned from missions again today.

Kouyou told me off for being reckless, and acting like my life means nothing.

She's wrong.

If my life meant nothing, I would have activated corruption.

My secret, one-way ticket to visit you Dazai.

She told me that in one month it'll be a year.

That it would start getting better then.

Mori finally let me see you, they thought it would make it easier for me.

I can't believe your long legs could fit into an urn so small.

Guess you're the Chibi now.

**Stage 5 – Acceptance (day 352-365) **

Dear Dazai,

In thirteen days, it'll be one whole year since you left. I haven't used your knife since the day I saw you again.

I feel better.

At peace almost.

One more day Dazai.

Do you remember what we did a year ago today?

You took me on a touristy-tour of Yokohama. You said it was to celebrate our 6-month anniversary.

You smiled so much. I had never seen you so free.

It feels bittersweet now, knowing it was your goodbye.

As night fell, I went on the Ferris Wheel.

It's the same pod we had to ourselves last year.

The view isn't the same without your dick in my ass, trying to finish before the wheel came back down to earth.

Dazai I did it. I made it 365 days without you.

Mori, Kouyou and I are having a memorial service for you soon. It's a shame I won't get to see it, I hope it goes well. My suit and tackiest hat are laid out on my bed, two white envelopes next to it. I'm sat in front of my mirror.

I have quite a selection of scars now. Ha! I used to pride myself on not having many battle wounds. But I guess that was because you always had my back.

I miss you Dazai. A year is too long to be without you. I tried to live a happy life without you Dazai, I just couldn't. We were partners, why did you leave me? Look at me, I'm finally crying for you.

Did I ever tell you how good a blade this knife has? It would be perfect in a fight.

It takes barely any effort to slide it horizontally across my wrists.

The door handle rattles. A knock.

"Chuuya? Maybe he's already left?" Mori and Kouyou's voices can be heard through my door.

I almost call out to them, but my mind is set. Mafia life was only bearable because I had you.

Did you think about that? I guess I must've knocked on the door when you were at this point too, Dazai

Why aren't these cuts working? I've killed hundreds of people; this should be easy. I press the blade vertically on both wrists. The pain engulfed me as the room spins.

The knife thuds to the floor, drat, they know I'm in here.

They rush into the room. My voice hoarse as I tell them sorry. I can see you waiting for me in the afterlife.

Blackness.

**1 week later. **

Kouyou is acting head of the mafia.

Mori is overcome with grief of having two of what he considered his children die because of the life they had in His mafia.

They had recruited two new children – The Akutagawa siblings.

He took them to Fukuzawa.

Let them see the light.

He couldn't take it happening again.

He told them they if life in the mafia was their goal, they could come back at 21.

He wouldn't have more innocent blood on his hands.


End file.
